Death of a Marriage

Looking at this blog (which I add to so infrequently) I notice how many posts have been influenced by my husband Brad. There are direct quotes about his adventures, plus the general nuance of our life together hidden behind it all. It permeates most everything I've written thus far. Haunts it now.

I have always made it a point to keep this blog light in tone and to use it as an exercise for playfulness. Now I am imparting 'heavy' news that divorce is imminent. Brad won't be the major player here or in my life.

This isn't the end of the world but it is the end of a big honkin' chapter of my life. In the last 5 years we've grown apart to the point that we are no longer compatible as husband and wife. What that leaves is 15 years of wonderful memories and five years of sadness and strife.

Last night I remembered how I would wish on every penny I found. I would say, "Here is to health, happiness and wealth for Brad and I together - and in love." I would add the last clunky part not knowing how to properly phrase my fervent wish that we would stay happily married until The End. For 15 years I believed that we would grow old together. My only worry, being who would die first and that neither one of us would suffer a lingering death.

This all reminds me of how we're dying little deaths all the time. The death of friendships lost, careers gone, naive dreams and expectations traded for more realistic and simple ones. I don't mean this in the morose way it sounds. With each death there is a new phase which needs to be embraced. The aim is to accept both past and present and live fully until the next death comes along. There's no skirting it. Life demands that we move through it as gracefully as possible or we grow stagnant and bitter.

As for now, Brad and I are on good terms - friends, with much love thrown in. I don't know what will happen in the future. I surmise that Brad will end up with a romantic partner first and then our link will dwindle as it probably should. As for me, I can't imagine getting involved romantically for quite some time. It would take someone truly fantastic to make me give a shit. If I could make this wish, let them be funny as hell - someone to make me laugh until I cry - thereby taking life a lot less seriously.

In honor of Brad and our relationship, I'll post some amusing photos in the next few weeks. Speaking of 'honoring' - maybe we should have a divorce party! Whether it's a fad or not, it might be fun and cathartic. We'll see! Yep, that's for sure. "We'll see" will be my motto for quite some time!