Death of a Marriage

Looking at this blog (which I add to so infrequently) I notice how many posts have been influenced by my husband Brad. There are direct quotes about his adventures, plus the general nuance of our life together hidden behind it all. It permeates most everything I've written thus far. Haunts it now.

I have always made it a point to keep this blog light in tone and to use it as an exercise for playfulness. Now I am imparting 'heavy' news that divorce is imminent. Brad won't be the major player here or in my life.

This isn't the end of the world but it is the end of a big honkin' chapter of my life. In the last 5 years we've grown apart to the point that we are no longer compatible as husband and wife. What that leaves is 15 years of wonderful memories and five years of sadness and strife.

Last night I remembered how I would wish on every penny I found. I would say, "Here is to health, happiness and wealth for Brad and I together - and in love." I would add the last clunky part not knowing how to properly phrase my fervent wish that we would stay happily married until The End. For 15 years I believed that we would grow old together. My only worry, being who would die first and that neither one of us would suffer a lingering death.

This all reminds me of how we're dying little deaths all the time. The death of friendships lost, careers gone, naive dreams and expectations traded for more realistic and simple ones. I don't mean this in the morose way it sounds. With each death there is a new phase which needs to be embraced. The aim is to accept both past and present and live fully until the next death comes along. There's no skirting it. Life demands that we move through it as gracefully as possible or we grow stagnant and bitter.

As for now, Brad and I are on good terms - friends, with much love thrown in. I don't know what will happen in the future. I surmise that Brad will end up with a romantic partner first and then our link will dwindle as it probably should. As for me, I can't imagine getting involved romantically for quite some time. It would take someone truly fantastic to make me give a shit. If I could make this wish, let them be funny as hell - someone to make me laugh until I cry - thereby taking life a lot less seriously.

In honor of Brad and our relationship, I'll post some amusing photos in the next few weeks. Speaking of 'honoring' - maybe we should have a divorce party! Whether it's a fad or not, it might be fun and cathartic. We'll see! Yep, that's for sure. "We'll see" will be my motto for quite some time!

I LIED!! - ANOTHER DOG POST!!

Yes, I know. This is the world's worst dog picture. I can't take a good pet picture to save my life. Well anyway - that's not the point. The point is - dog clothing. Nothing . . . NOTHING makes me laugh as hard as dressing up my dog Gesso. I laugh until I cry.

I put her in rhumba pants one Christmas morning. I was doubled over laughing so hard. I was in pain I was laughing so hard. I started to worry my brother-in-law I was laughing so hard.

I think it's especially funny because Brad REALLY hates to see dogs in "outfits" and finds it "totally demeaning". So, every pair of boxer shorts I put on Gesso is a small act of rebellion on my part. Gesso just finds it exciting and slightly puzzling because I start to squeal like a pig.

Here are the rhumba pants I put Gesso in.


The crazy dog on the right (top picture) is Dakota - our problem child. He may be smiling in the picture but he sure wasn't smiling last night during the 4th of July fireworks. That's when we had to drug and restrain him. Believe me, it was for his own good.

Bach Flower Remedies - Believe It Or Not!

Oh boy! I had my Bach Flower Remedies appointment today and do I need help. This will be interesting. Here's more about my inner psyche than you or I have ever wanted to know! Wish me luck!

LARCH - for lack of self confidence
AGRIMONY - for acting according to what you think will please others
CENTAURY - wanting to please and serve others first to self-detriment
RED CHESTNUT - for worry about other's welfare
WHITE CHESTNUT - for the mind that won't stop
CHERRY PLUM - for fear of losing control
ASPEN - dread and anxiety
STAR OF BETHLEHEM - soothing old wounds and traumas

Yes, and HAVE A NICE DAY!!!

Drowning In Self-Consciousness

So I've hit the wall again and am drowning in self-analysis. I begin a project enthusiastically and then I freeze and stop. I write this to explain my lack of posts.

What happens is everything becomes far too complicated in my head and small creative tasks become monumental. Instead of a pleasant diversion - my self-expression just seems formidable. I figure it's also a form of "performance anxiety".

So, my new approach is to imagine a complete lack of audience (which is quite close to the truth).

(Though I mean no offense to anyone who is infact reading this)!

Instead, I'm just gonna let it fly right from my brain to this blank page - so watch out!

Hah! Let's see if I can make this major psychological breakthrough.

Working out Bugs

Just to let you know - I can't stop changing my profile. It's rotating on it's head all the time. You can check who I am on an almost daily basis. Also, Brad showed me how to write links into the posting text so you can click directly on the link to the "subject" I'm talking about. I've gone back and thrown these into my earlier posts.

My First Rant (more coming but I'll try to keep it at a minimum)

Today I only scratched the surface of our dreaded yearly health care enrollment (and I've spent 2 days so far devoted to it). It's easy to understand why so many people are uninsured in this country and that's a damn shame. For assorted reasons I have to enroll. Through the "news" I'm reminded of the obscene profits these companies, CEOs and pharmaceuticals make - to the detriment of those that are insured. Coming from Canada, one of the many countries that offer a national health care policy I am SO dismayed by the state of health care in the USA. There's not much else to say beyond gritting my teeth and finding the least bank breaking option. I can say "don't believe the hype" - national health care WORKS and should be a right for any so-called, evolved country and it's citizens. Sorry to be a bummer with this post. On to more pleasant topics. But I'd be lying if I said I haven't been tearing out my hair over this.